A final tribute...

Death - it has a finality to it. In the past two months I have lost two people in my life. The after events  could not have been more different.

If there is one thing that is sadder than death, it is an end not mourned for. It makes me realize that one of the most primal feelings that a human can undergo - love - is also a two-way feeling. In what way does that make us superior? It is easy to care for someone who is nice to everyone because you are just reciprocating the gesture. But, caring for someone otherwise - not for what they are to you but for what they stand for - is something that sets you apart.

I remember her as a person who was never happy. How is that possible? She had to endure a relationship in which she was thrust into at a very tender age which festered a lustful dislike towards life itself. Outright hatred is always better than ignoring a person because that shows that you have SOME feeling towards the person. She was lost in the sea of people who not only ignored her but also never tried to understand why she behaved the way she did. Maybe all she needed was a thoughtful gesture once in a while, a kind voice or sometimes a listening ear. But being cast into the typical role of a stepmother - which to everyone's acceptance she played very well - she could not be perceived anything but that. As Ra puts it, she probably always felt like an outsider and sadly she dint leave anyone of her own behind.

So, yesterday when I saw the drama unfolding in front of my eyes, I could not help getting away from it all.  A 5 minute wail from a sister who refused to take care of her in her last stages - was that all her life was worth? People unabashedly discussing mundane matters in life just hours into her death, somehow all this was adding insult to the injury. No matter who she was and what she did or did not do, she deserved respect.

I will always remember her fondly as a someone who always asked me if I wanted a cuppa coffee. As someone who demanded a saree whenever I got a raise. As someone who was always there for every occasion in the family. As the only grandma I ever knew.

Will miss her! 

Conversations...

I've always been in a dilemma as to whether to confront someone with something or to let it go simply because you know that it doesn't change anything. As one of my dear friends says I have always been kind of a pushover- a passive person. But dint mind it so much until lately I realized how important it is to actually communicate rather than just letting it go to avoid a confrontation.Conversations left unfinished remain stories entangled and be sure they will come back to haunt you. At some point in your life you will sit and reflect as to how things would've turned out if only you had spoken your mind. Can't change what has happened,have no regrets either. But here's to a new beginning and hopefully a better one...

Can't Wait!

Impatience is the new life - says the adcom for airtel broadband which pretty much summarises the way of life today so much so that when I couldn't remember this tag line within ten seconds I immediately called up my friend to look it up for me :)

Everything now-a-days has to happen with lightening speed and sometimes even that is slow...I wont be surprised if the unit of measure changes from a second to nanosecond(spoken like a true geek:))...

Alls fine with speed and manic restlessness BUT It irks me when people can't wait for their turn in the Queue (wherever!)...Why is it that waiting brings out the worst in people? I , for one , hate waiting but only when someone doesn't keep up an appointment ...but I fail to understand
Why the hell do people honk in traffic when they can see that there isnt space for the guy before him to manouver?
Why can't they stand in line but just brush past the waiting people to get a movie ticket?
Why is it that people go on calling even if they hear that their call is waiting?(a super invention by the way)
Why can't people wait for 10 seconds and have to switch the channel as soon as an ad is on?
and whenever I see any such thing happening (which is ever so often), it is all I can do to stop myself giving them an earfull!
Why I mean Why??

A simpler time...

Today when I was talking with my amma I was reminded of a much simpler time. Her experiences are so very different from mine and mine would be so very different from my kid's :).When she was relating her experiences I couldn't help musing where has that world gone?
Simplicity was the word of the day then. Today I see around me the expression has become a rarity. There was a time when social occasions like marriages were a chance to let go of reins and swap life stories. At that time even a distant relative was treated as a comrade in arms-literally. But today even filial bonds don’t hold weight and marriages now have just become a social formality. Back then, it was so easy to talk to a relative/friend or a next door neighbor. Inhibitions existed then, they exist now too but the only difference is there was no fear of acceptance then. People had the freedom to be themselves and get away with it. Today however, we surround ourselves with concrete walls - just like the world we live in. People today pride themselves for their tolerance levels. I find the idea laughable. Yes, there are cases where we have changed for the better – definitely and I am proud to be a member of such a society but I still maintain that our ancestors were more tolerant towards life. Compromise-something which comes under “why me?” category today- was commonplace because people were more mature.
They were a much resilient as a result a much happier lot. We on the other hand are much vulnerable. The emotional veils that we hide under now-a-days were non-existent then. Back then people found it so easy to compliment or comment someone because people were mature enough to accept either but today I see that even a genuine compliment is treated with suspicion simply because an honest one is an oddity. An honest person today feels out of place and has to disguise himself just to fit in because his honesty is considered to be naivety!

Why and how then has this change come about?

People today confuse individuality with modernism and compromise with conservatism. People fail to realize that individualistic people can also be conservative and that conservatism doesn’t necessarily mean narrow-mindedness. Sadly the society is now divided into these two groups of extreme thought and the intersection bears the brunt as each of these two groups considers the other deplorable. The elements that divide the two generations were and are prevalent in both the generations. It is only now that we want to attribute adjectives to characterize each generation that these have come into limelight.

Who said people weren’t knowledgeable back then? Who would you trust with financial advice-a Fresh finance graduate who has no practical experience whatsoever or a housewife in a joint family who has handled two generations of wages? But very few people sit back and appreciate the lessons life has taught.
The younger generation treats their ancestors as a bunch of old fools who SO do not understand their line of thought- they ignore the wisdom of experience. The older generation on the other hand has become all the more protective of their off-springs – to shield them from the pain that life has subjected them to – they fail to see through the curtain of inexperience or realize that some lessons are to be learnt practically.
Adding to this are our unbelievably tight schedules which prevent us from bridging this gap. A power cut now-a-days is proving to be such a blessing in disguise. It has probably become the only period of time where the whole family sits in one single room and talk – albeit forcibly. Such is the story of today where we need to depend on something like a power cut to bring us together. I somehow can’t help wishing the world today was as simple as back then with all the wonderful blessings of today.

This is me signing off in the wait for the next power cut :)

To be or not to be!

Compromise- it requires enormous strength of character but when overdone it will ruin one's sense of self. One of the toughest questions in life is when to stop compromising and start living.One needs to know where to draw a line.I have seen both the extremes in life. I have seen people who don't give up their end and thereby break relationships and I have seen people who do all it takes to maintain the relationship but lose themselves in the process. This makes me wonder is it so difficult then to actually sit back,reflect and decide what is more important to you and when?

Huh!

Yesterday I understood the saying..."No one wants to die alone....." -- one of my friends felt this way today and I couldnt help reflecting on the same. When I asked him what the reason was he told me he wasn't feeling well yesterday and just got the thought that even if something happens to him what if there was no one to even tell! Wow! Such a scary thought! Imagine the amount of effort you put into life but ultimately you are on your own aren't you? Somehow the thought was a little unsettling. It makes everything else seem so miniscule and even unworthy!

Out of comfort zone!

Comfort zone-everyone who thinks of one has one...one which lures you into finding it,one which you can call your own-all yours',one which can afford to change :) but one we never would want to get out of...
why is then i always find myself snugly stuffed into my comfort zone at one moment and thrown mercilessly out of it at the next...its like awakening someone from a deep slumber by throwing cold water on em...and then there is always the promise of something better out there...but only a moron or a genius would fall for that...as am neither and am perfectly normal i find it equivalent to standing stark naked with my fears out in the open with the world of unknown for an audience...it is not the fear of acceptance...this might sound crazy but it is of knowing that you would find another zone and in knowing that too wouldn't last...you tend to think of what next ?vice of being wise i guess...you keep wondering whether you really want to get into something you know the outcome of anyways or would you be enticed enough by the warmth of the memories that you just fall into the trap once again...I guess they don't call it lifecycle for nothing, history repeats itself, time and again ...and again for another time when you don't want it to :)...
And while am off in search of my zone again for the zillionth time, i guess its just life's way of saying "Ha Ha Gotcha"...

Moments

Ever been in a rhetorical "if only time would stand still.." place? yeah well ok if not that dramatic i atleast have a few favourites which will keep my rewind button rolling on and on and well few others which just keep the smile pasted on my face just thinking what it would be like..without further ado...PRESENTING...my happy place...
waking up early to find you have half an hour more till the alarm goes off...aa sleep,the most misused luxury i have ....
yapping away with my mom especially when she enunciates on my vices...can't help laughing...
just coming back home from wherever...
fighting with my bro...somehow,just can't do without it...
sitting on a swing,swaying to the breeze and listening to kishore kumar's songs...
discussing right about everything with my dad...
reading my favourite book...
even doing nothing with my sis...
cricket...well i guess the only thing my hubby should worry about :)...
sitting around in my pyjamas at home and just watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S...
talking to MY friends...
writing...something i do when am really anxious,somehow calms me down :)...
calvin and hobbes...
playing with kids...
shopping...one virtue i have inherited from my race of the fairer sex :)...
singing...yeah it makes me happy if not others :)
sitting around in a woody place,drinking coffee,deeply,from a black mug and having a book in my hand...aah quite a picture aint it :)...
gossiping...yeah well one of my favourite pass times...
walking along the beach side at midnight and eating ice cream...
getting a call on my landline...yeah well i am conservative...
receiving a hand written letter...proves it again...
watches! ah i can never get tired of em...
playing tt or basketball...its been a while...but it gives me the adrenaline rush...
getting wet in the rain...somehow cheers me up even when i am in crap:) kinda like washes my tears away :)
pictures...just love posing for em ;)
greeting cards...who says silence is golden when you can say so much with words :)...
chocolates...no matter how many teeth i lose coz of em :)..
lights...sitting on the terrace with only your thoughts and the breeze for company and seeing the innumerable lights that glitter in the city...just makes anything look miniscule...
midnight talks...just love em...
flirting...ok i neednt explain much abt that...
having someone say "love ya" to you...no arguing,one of the most fulfillig moments one can have...
and just loving with all i have...to me that is the essence of existence

The day that was!

Theory of relativity—Even God uses it!
When you are Six feet under and you think you can’t go any further, He gives a sevenish I’ve always wondered why! But it actually makes you appreciate Six even more…think about it...somethings in life exist just to make you appreciate life without them… true ain’t it? J
lately I’ve been in more or less a similar situation…and I am going to share with you a day which just did what it was supposed to do, made me realize what it was without it…
yesterday was an ordinary day, just that it wasn’t in every way possible…I was supposed to get up early to go to work and yes of course I got up late…I was running late for work and was yelling at everyone within a foot of me…usually I take my bike to work but yesterday, i wonder why, I didn’t…I went in my cousin’s car…again all was well I was chatting with my cousin a little bit of this and that and I would’ve been in office in another ten minutes…and suddenly out of nowhere this pedestrian comes in the way and I swear I heard the chicken wonder out loud WHY?…we avoided him only to be hit by an oncoming motor bike…then there was this whole drama of cops and law…the saving grace was the guy on the motor bike, who by the way wasn’t wearing a helmet, survived miraculously with only superficial cuts…all of it took about two hours to be sorted out…so finally I ended up in office…it was just like from the pan into the fire…I get reprimanded by my superior for not putting enough effort in a week when I felt doubly tired what with my work and my mood swings…I come back to my cubicle only to be intimated that my place has been shifted elsewhere…it might seem a little silly, but what the heck, everybody is a slave to routine and I am no different ,I had really gotten used to my place…so I slowly drag all my possessions to my new place and divert myself with setting up my new place when I get an email saying that the paper I published (which I hated to do in the first place) was rejected and I have to do it all over again…after working for a considerable amount of time I decided to call it a day and I knew now at that mo god must have laughed out loud not yet dear not yet…well I took an auto with my friend who couldn’t see the resignation written all over my face and obliged to come along only to be dragged into my eventful day…we were half way down when the auto breaks down and I was smiling to myself as I had suspected that it was still not the end…we manage to catch hold of another auto and guess what? After ten minutes the fuel tank ditches us…by this time I was positively amused and was literally laughing out loud…who would expect two vehicles to break down on a single day? But no it was yesterday and I seriously wasn’t surprised…so finally after taking a third auto, I come home and was just happy to be home!
And during all this I forgot for a whole day half of what was irking me all along…amazing isn’t it? I know am barking mad J but just think about it…sometime down the lane you might even laugh about the fact that today something was so important to you and that it actually bothered you so much that you couldn’t enjoy it! Whether you accept it or not it happens in 8 cases out of 10 and it is not because you were worried about trifling things or you were immature or any of those stuff! No sir! Its just that anything, except the things that are worth your time, will not matter to you as you traverse the lane of time…and the things that are actually worth your time will only remain as memories for you to cherish…

My tryst with destiny!

Me: who are you?
Mr D: I haven’t been posed a more flagrant question.
Me: you continue to elude me, so why don’t you tell me exactly who are you?
Mr D: who do you think I am?
Me: a question is not the answer to a question.
Mr D: okay you seem to be a difficult customer.
Me : am waiting…..
Mr D: okay okay let’s see, I am what you make me to be.
Me : you are as obscure as ever.
Mr D : I am flattered by your interest in me.
Me: cut that out and answer me won’t you?
Mr D : okay since most of the time I am an object of blame and been looked upon with prejudice and since you have given me the benefit of doubt, I will answer you
Me : finally !!
Mr D: but there is one condition…
Me : there he goes again!!!
Mr D: you must first tell me what is it about me that mystifies you and what is it that you so seemingly want to know about me..
Me: well….
Mr D : I guess it’s now my turn to wait…
Me: people say you are someone who is predefined…
Mr D: and what do you think?
Me: I dunno….
Mr D: okay take a guess…
Me: hmmm.. I think nothing is predefined in life…
Mr D: very good…
Me : I am right am I ?
Mr D: partly…
Me: don’t start that again…can’t you be clear for once?
Mr D: okay I am like the end of the road, which is predefined…
Me: so you are already defined?
Mr D: nope as I said, only the end of the road is defined…the path you take to reach me is entirely your discretion …
Me: you amuse me…
Mr D: and you flatter me all the more…okay what else do you know about me?
Me : hmm lets’ see …people often refer to you when they are in distress…
Mr D: I seriously doubt whether it is a boon or a bane….
Me : I definitely think it is a bane…
Mr D: well I would feel very happy if someone in distress thinks of me as their support…
Me: yeah but always?
Mr D: well it does get on to my nerves sometimes …
Me: no it isn’t like that…you don’t understand…
Mr D: exactly what don’t I understand?
Me: its’ like they blame you for what’s happening… it is as if you are the cause for their grief…
Mr D: well I used to get angry when I was young but now I got used to it …
Me : so what you don’t get mad at them at all?
Mr D: you know what is the easiest thing to do when you are in distress?
Me : no…
Mr D: it is to blame someone else for it..
Me : but how will that help?
Mr D : it releases us from the burden of being responsible for our actions…
Me : but we are responsible for actions…
Mr D: I dunno whether you are naïve or you are trying to humour me…
Me : speak in English you fool…how can anyone else be responsible for things we do…
Mr D : have you ever heard of the term circumstances?
Me : yeah …
Mr D : don’t you think they also play a role in what you do…
Me : might be, but not always…most of the times we are in the circumstances we are because we acted in a way that has put us in that situation… its something like the cause and effect…
Mr D : a very good insight…if everyone thinks like you, I will be saved some attention… not that I don’t enjoy it…
Me: you enjoy it?
Mr D: well, being a celebrity is not everyone’s cup of tea…anyway…you say most of the times…what about the rest?
Me: well, those are the times I end up in situations which on retrospection I realize I have no need to be there at all….
Mr D : why do you think that is?
Me : I dunno may be its’ bound to happen that way…
Mr D : oh common don’t be such a loser… think
Me : it happens for a reason I do not understand…
Mr D : are you happy or sad about it…
Me : mixed…
Mr D : can you be clear?
Me : now you know how it feels?
Mr D : ok could you please explain yourself..
Me : well I sometimes feel helpless…I mean dependent on something has never been something I am used to…I feel like I should control the situation…I feel frustrated …
Mr D : I always look for an exception but ok as always the negative part came out first…now for the positive?
Me : well I feel so helpless I try to console myself just by telling myself may be something better will come out of it…you know what I mean don’t you?
Mr D: I might have a faint idea…
Me : oh common!!
Mr D: ok ok you know what I said I am partly defined?
Me : how can I forget?
Mr D : well, this is one of those aspects…it is the benevolence of the creator that I am so dynamic not to mention dashing…
Me : for crying out loud…don’t be so modest
Mr D : see god always puts us in these situations to bring out the best in us
Me: how can subjecting someone to pain bring out the best in them you moron
Mr D : now you are talking… it is simple god always gives us two choices in each situation …
Me: yeah I know that …everyone keeps harping about it…something like good and bad…
Mr D : how painfully obvious !! and not necessarily true..
Me : what do you mean?
Mr D : well , it’s just that when god presents us with a situation, yeah I am consciously using the word present, you’ll know later why, He also gives us two ways out…one is the right way
Me: hey that’s what I said….
Mr D : listen to me completely kiddo…the other one is what might make us happy…which need not necessarily be wrong…
Me: ok then the choice is obvious right … we’ll all pick the one that makes us happy…which idiot will pick the right one if it doesn’t make us happy?
Mr D : your blatant ness is like music to my ears…but it isn’t that simple
Me: what is not simple between picking something that makes us happy and something which only nutters will pick..
Mr D : well most of the times the thing which we think will make us happy will not…we just assumed that it will…
Me : so you feel we need to pick that seems not to make us happy at all…
Mr D : phew you are difficult aren’t you?
Me : well if you could explain clearly it will be easy for both of us…
Mr D : ok here’s the deal…it is this choice, to pick the right one is the essence of life-mine and yours…
Me: still don’t get you…
Mr D : it is the challenge with which god has presented you… the way you choose to deal with it decides the path and the time it takes for you to reach me…
Me: so the good guys reach you first by taking the right decisions and that’s why they don’t live long…
Mr D : I have never heard a more misconstrued version of what I said …
Me : so what happens if we don’t take the right decision?
Mr D: thats the beauty of it
Me : well one thing is for sure ,you and I definitely differ on our notion of what beauty is…whats so beautiful about that?
Mr D: well to start with if you take a decision, God puts you in one path and if you take another he puts you on another path…
Me : so they are right everything is predefined…
Mr D: you are tempting me use the M word but anyways don’t you see it is entirely your decision which way you go…
Me: but that’s a huge responsibility
Mr D : its what makes you what you are
Me: what if I choose to do nothing about it
Mr D : you are chickening out like most do… but think about it… if you choose nothing to do about it… even that’s a decision my friend…
Me : ok so its all like a maze aint it? A very complicated maze…
Mr D : perfect…but I wouldn’t bother much about the complication you know…that’s what makes it exciting
Me : so god has spent so much time on me alone?
Mr D : now you get it ? why I call it a present? Just think for a moment…if you are not where you are…think of where you might be and you would feel that may be this is better…because its where god wants you to be…
Me: yeah its unbelievable…I mean I suddenly feel so important…
Mr D: you are…
Me : ok where do you fit in?
Mr D : you still don’t see it?
Me : I have a faint idea…
Mr D : shoot…
Me : you are not what people perceive you to be…
Mr D: on the contrary I am exactly what people perceive me to be…I dunno what’s the fuss about me, but I do definitely enjoy it…
Me : you will continue to amaze me don’t you?
Mr D: grow old with me, the best is yet to be…